The girl who is chased

I will be the girl that doesn’t settle

I will be the girl who is won (and it wasn’t easy)

I will be the girl who doesn’t play games

I will be the girl with great expectations

I will be the girl who doesn’t have to be nice

Doesn’t have to say ‘yes’

Doesn’t always agree

Doesn’t need to look perfect.

I will be the girl who sometimes says the wrong thing

Sometimes trips for no reason

laughs too loudly

sings too enthusiastically

feels too deeply

I will be the girl who wears her heart on her sleeve

Who needs forgiveness

Who prays for obedience

I will be the girl who doesn’t wait around

Doesn’t rush into anything

Doesn’t search for approval

Doesn’t need to be liked

Doesn’t strive to please

Doesn’t try to entice

Doesn’t want to tempt

I will be the girl who loves tenderly

Touches gently

Smiles warmly

Cries earnestly

Reveals slowly

Fights fiercely

Speaks kindly

I will be the girl whose affection is constant

Whose heart is wild

Whose desire is pure

I will be the girl devoted to Truth

Who stands up for what’s noble

And despises what’s not

I will be the girl who is chased

The heart pursued

The mystery unveiled

The love procured

I will not settle (and neither should you)

The heart

This red, bloody, pulsating thing.

I give it to Him

It’s bruised; having been carelessly mishandled, forgotten and left.

The slightest touch can cause it great pain

What it is good for, I surely don’t know

With gentle hands He takes it and makes it His own.

Why He wants it is a mystery

How He will heal it (if He does), is yet to be seen.

The onlookers are grim

It doesn’t look good, they say

Perhaps it would be better to put it away

To lock it up where it cannot be reached, or held, or hurt any more

I nod in agreement, my eyes pleading, bloodshot and sore

He smiles, “I make all things new”

He says as He takes the heart I can’t bear anymore.

Dear divorce

Dear divorce,

Thanks to you, I learned nothing on earth lasts as long as it should.

Dear divorce,

You spread the heinous lie that ‘happiness’ is on the other side of leaving, that it’s the only answer

You convinced them that ‘children are resilient;’ after all, we ‘want you to be happy.’

Dear divorce,

You taught me to trust no one, not even those who say ‘I love you’, not even myself.

Dear divorce,

You showed me how my world can come crashing down on me at any moment – so don’t get too comfortable.

Dear divorce,

You made nights slow torture as I tried to manage the pain in the darkness alone.

Stop crying

Stop crying

Stop crying.

Dear divorce,

You taught me to isolate myself, to keep my distance, to remain unattached, to fear instead of love.

Dear divorce,

You made me desperate for attention but wary of affection.

You convinced me to cling instead of trust, because they will leave.

They will.

Dear divorce,

You caused guilt to follow me every day of my life. Guilt that envelops me, though it wasn’t my fault.

It wasn’t my fault

It wasn’t my fault

It wasn’t my fault.

Dear divorce,

You made closeness feel impossible, love seem unattainable.

Dear divorce,

You made me feel unlovable – that I am not worthy and never good enough.

You told me that something is wrong with me – it must be.

Dear divorce,

You filled me with rage but gave me no way to express it. You told me to shove it down, deep deep deep.

I’m angry

I’m angry

I’m angry.

Dear divorce,

You left me with the heart of a broken child, a heart too weak to love, too hurt to be held.

It hurts.

Dear divorce,

You stole my haven, my comfort, my security. You just took it.

You bastard.

Dear divorce,

You’ll never know what it’s like to make a vow to someone and keep it until you die.

You’ll never grow old with the person you promised “till death do us part.”

You’ll never experience the unconditional love from one person all of your days.

You’ll never know what it’s like to come home to the same people, the same person, year after year.

Dear divorce,

You’ll never know what they mean: the words ‘love’ and ‘family’ and ‘stay’.

Dear divorce,

You will miss out on countless moments: Hugs and kisses, tears and breakthroughs, fights and grief, forgiveness and reconciliations, firsts and lasts. You lost them and you will never get them back.

The ghosts of memories will haunt you until your lonely death.

What could have been.

You’ll never know what could have been, what was on the other side of staying – the forgiveness, the grace, the love.

I pity you.

Dear divorce,

You thought you had me. You believed I would buy into the treacherous lies, but I won’t.

You have led many others astray, lured them with your siren’s call, but not me.

I will never be yours – I have seen too much.

The charm of ‘freedom’ is only loneliness. The happiness you promise is empty – a black hole of egotistical wishes.

I know the suffering, I know the fallout, I know the pain. I know.

I will never choose you – not as long as I live.

You are dark, sad and alone.

I pity you.

Dear divorce,

Thanks to you, I know that I will never be yours.

The new chapter

This isn’t what I wanted.

I don’t mean that in a boo-hoo-poor-Miranda kind of way, it’s really more just a matter of fact.

This isn’t what I wanted.

When I was dreaming and wondering and planning what my life would be like, this was not it.

I never imagined I would move to the Midwest (of all places). Not for one second did it occur to me to look into jobs at the company I will now be working for. I didn’t hope to one day be 23 years old, in an apartment, alone, where I know few people and am far, far away from my family: my home.

This is not what I wanted.

If things had gone according to my plan, I would still be in Charleston, engaged to the man I loved and surrounded by my close friends and family.

To me career was never a priority – my mission stood outside my work and I was fine with that. Moving for a job never crossed my mind.

But doors that I had started to walk through were painfully shut on me, and doors I had never seen before sprang open abruptly. I didn’t feel that I chose this new path, rather that I was being chosen for it. I could walk through the door or not, but it had been opened for me. Why? Couldn’t tell you. I hope for my good, and also for a greater good – a higher purpose. But right now as far as I know, I could be as “woefully wrong as Humphrey Belcher, who decided the time was ripe for a cheese cauldron.” -A.P.W.B.D.

I have decided to accept, tentatively and somewhat reluctantly, that maybe, maybe my plan wasn’t the best one (maybe).

Maybe there is a bigger, better plan that will successfully lead me to the peace and joy I have been aching for.

Maybe something about moving, about living here (of all places), about making the new friends I will meet and developing my writing skills, maybe all this is necessary for my growth, my peace, my happiness. Perhaps this is an essential part of my journey that will make me more myself and help me to become the person I want to be.

Possibly the things I do here and the relationships I form will turn out to be of the utmost importance.

The reality is that I don’t know. What I do know is that I left behind my friends and family, my job, my home to come here.

Not because I am sure it’s the right thing, but because I am trusting.

We don’t know everything and if we think we do we’re just kidding ourselves. We’re not in control of the all doors that open and close in our lives, sometimes we just have to step through one that is open and see what happens – always hoping for the best, always trusting.

To me the worst thing we can do is to hang on stubbornly to what we want and knock on a closed door insistently, shouting for someone to come and open it.

Life is too precious to waste on what we think is best, what we hoped for, what we wanted. I don’t mean that in cynical or Debbie downer kind of way, I just mean that sometimes we need to choke down our piece of humble pie and realize that we don’t always know what we really want; we don’t always know what is best for us.

A door was closed on me that I desperately wanted to sprint through, but as much uncertainty and pain and fear that I feel – I am walking through the door that was opened and trusting that it will be for the best.

As I sit here in my (mostly empty) and very quiet apartment, waiting for my friend to drop off a sleeping bag (my mattress is arriving Wednesday), I have decided to trust, to make the best of this and to let go of what I thought I wanted.

Because maybe, just maybe, there are things at work here bigger and better than I could have dreamed up myself.

So if you’re in a place of uncertainty, unknowing, disappointment…you are not alone. New beginnings aren’t always the Hollywood moments we want them to be. Often there is a hard fall before the recovery. And often the recovery is long and slow. So hang in there, keep hoping and, most importantly, keep trusting.

This isn’t it.

xo

Miranda Kate

Ask Him: Feat. Kevin

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Kevin is an interesting one. I met him through our young adult group this summer after he had recently left seminary (a type of “school” men go to discern priesthood) where he lived for fourteen years.

Not four, fourteen.

Through a long and arduous process of attempting to understand what he felt called to, Kevin discovered that marriage was one thing he couldn’t let go of and deeply desired. Even more importantly, he realized it was what would lead him to become the best man he could be.

He was excited and super relieved. As beautiful as the priesthood is, he knew it wasn’t for him and that this is okay.

“God doesn’t just want me to be useful, he wants me to be full of joy and at peace.”

So he left seminary and is now headed to grad school this Fall at Notre Dame to study business.

His goal is to be an “evangelizing businessman”. He wants to form relationships with executives and invite them to achieve greatness not only financially, but also spiritually and morally.

He hopes to find “twelve guys with a ton of cash to make a difference.”

#goals.

Go Kev!

What are some qualities you look for in a woman?

“My biggest fear leaving seminary was becoming girl-crazy…so I actually made a list of qualities to look for in a woman to help keep me grounded.”

  1. Christ-centered: “Not just prayer-centered…I want a woman who is in love with Christ. That’s a non-negotiable for me. I guess my fear was falling for appearances without that spiritual foundation.”

  2. Selfless: “A woman who will put Christ first, me second and herself third. Just as I will put Christ first, her second and myself third.”

  3. Honest: “She isn’t afraid to tell me what upsets her, how she feels…I don’t want to date/marry someone who expects me to read between the lines or constantly read her mind. I’m a pretty upfront and empathetic guy; I delicately say what I think. I can’t handle relationships where I feel like the other person is hiding something from me, or is dissatisfied with me in some way but won’t tell me what it is…so I’m hurting them without knowing what I’m doing wrong. That is important to me, not that you’re pleased with me but that you’re upfront with me.”

  4. Affectionate: “That’s really important to me because due to my mother passing away when I was young, there were a few years where I didn’t receive that feminine touch. I definitely could not handle someone who withholds affection as punishment or is constantly asking me to prove myself. To me personally, being affectionate is a quality that I really look for in a woman.”

How do you show interest in a woman?

“First thing is just saying ‘Hey, I’d like to know you better.’ If I’m interested in a girl the first thing I do is spend time with her. I usually take it one step at a time and to me that first step is friendship.”

What do you admire about women in general?

“There’s nothing more beautiful than a woman…I don’t just mean that physically. A woman’s ability to love without limits is incredible. My mom had cancer and they told her that she had something like 4-6 weeks left to live and she basically said ‘forget it, I have kids and I’m going to make sure they’re okay.’ She fought a year and a half. To me that’s incredible. Her ability to give of herself was truly beautiful and inspires me to this day.

And then I see women who flaunt their bodies and it’s kind of a shame really. They’re putting forth their ‘best selves’ and if that’s what they see as their true beauty…it’s too bad. An immodest woman is either looking for something I can’t give or turning me into a man I don’t want to be.

Not that women have to be frumpy, but an immodest woman turns me off because they don’t see what’s really beautiful about themselves, which is that selfless love of a woman that goes way beyond I think the way a man can love.”

You think women can love more than men?

“Yes. Men are naturally protectors, defenders, whereas women are much more relational…women are really the bond that holds the family together. Women are willing to suffer for the love of their husband or kids…it shows how strong women truly are. I think we’re all called to love as we’re able but I think that there’s something very particular about the way women love.

When a woman knows that she is loved and is sure of herself she can love in a way that a man can only admire.”

So what does man have to offer?

“I think a woman has more of a nourishing, bonding love and man has more of a sacrificial and practical type of love.”

Do you think it’s important for a man to ask a girl out?

“Yes. Choices are always about deciding which good thing you want. So for a guy to work up the courage to walk across a room and ask a girl out is a sign that he is willing to overcome obstacles (such as fear) to choose her. For a man to pursue a woman proves that he really cares about her…it’s not a casual thing. The more a guy pursues and proves in his actions that he really wants the girl, the better it is for the relationship. It’s important for a girl to know that he truly cares about her.”

Is it important for him that he ask her out?

“I think it’s important for him to test his own desire. Things that come easy aren’t really worth having. I’m not saying a woman should just blow a guy off…women have a deep desire to be pursued and know that they are truly beautiful. A man is on a quest to achieve something great for someone beautiful. Those are two complementary desires. There is something to the whole Rapunzel story, a man doing something to prove that the women is worth it. If she has someone by her side that fought for her it is so grounding.

If a woman were to come up to me and start a relationship I would be asking myself, ‘Do I really like this girl? Or am I just going out with her because she’s offering me things that I want?’

If you’re really sure that you are beautiful and worthy, why would you sell yourself so cheap? And the guy wants the challenge.”

Kevin’s thoughts on self-worth:

If a woman isn’t satisfied with herself she’s not ready to date. She doesn’t need a boyfriend to assure her – that will never work. She needs time alone to be at peace with herself. If I recognize a woman is struggling with her own self-worth, I feel dating her would be almost taking advantage of her. She needs time apart from someone – she is in a vulnerable state and if you insert yourself at that moment she’ll always need you…I wouldn’t want to do that to her or set myself up to fill a hole I’ll never be able to fill. It would be an act of selfishness for a guy to start a relationship with a girl who he knows is struggling with self-worth.

What are you looking forward to in the near or distant future?

When I left seminary I was totally starting over and I was happy because I knew I was where I needed to be…spiritually what I’ve learned after 14 years of seminary is that happiness and holiness isn’t about achieving some holy-goal. It’s about listening to where you’re called and throwing everything you have behind that calling. My hope and dream – more than a successful career or finding the perfect woman – has more to do with my relationship with Christ, having the strength to leave aside whatever is interfering with that relationship and live His will day by day.

Did I mention Kevin’s Catholic?

I was so impressed with his thoughts, a HUGE thank you to him for taking the time to sit down and chat with me about these things.

To good men.

xo

Miranda

To those who loved

To whom it may concern,

You loved, didn’t you
You gave them your all, you didn’t hold back
You loved.

You stayed ’til the end, and when they left you mourned
You mourned, didn’t you
When they changed their mind, when they walked out the door
You mourned.

You cried, didn’t you
When they didn’t come back, when the end came too soon
You cried.

You’re hurt, aren’t you
Your heart isn’t right, it hurts as it beats
It hurts.

Well let me say this, brave friend who reads
When it hurts just a little too much to bear
When your tears are too many
When you mourn day after day
Longing and missing and wishing it would all go away

Let me remind you of your most courageous deed

That is giving yourself in freedom to be

A gift to another, the most precious one

You loved, my darling, you loved.

It burns and it pains as nothing else does

But one thing I promise you can be sure of

Love never is wasted, not even one bit

Not even when the one we loved calls it quits.

As painful and difficult and broken it can be

Know that loving is the most wondrous of things

Hold on to this truth, my dear ones, as you suffer for it’s sake

You loved and that is the most important thing you will do

Nothing more beautiful, treacherous or with more at stake.

So hold fast to what’s left of your heart, I promise it’s more than you think

And in time, in time you will heal and be ready again

To love once more and be loved by a Love that will not ever leave.

Well done, good and beautiful friend

You loved, oh guarded one, you loved.

And in the end, that’s all there really is.

Xo

Miranda Kate

The truth about control and love

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I tried to control him
Boy did I try
It did not work out (clearly)
But not for lack of trying.

If you’ve ever been in the hair products section of a Wal-Mart or Target, you’ll get an idea of how much women love control. We want it, we need it, we thrive on it.

Most of my life has been me trying to control what happens around me…and failing miserably. Unfortunately we cannot apply the same strategy we use for frizz to life, especially not to relationships.

Were my intentions bad? Not really, the need to control is typically motivated by fear – I was scared.

The thing is, there is no room for fear in love; meaning, there is no room for control in love.

Why?

Love is free – a gift given to be received, not possessed.

Love is free.

We can only choose love in freedom and give it freely, not expecting anything in return.

I tried to manipulate and finagle him so that he would do what I wanted – what I felt was the loving thing to do…for me.

‘If he does x, then he loves me – if does y, he doesn’t.’

In other words: ‘if he does x, I can trust him, I am happy with him, relieved, at ease. If he does y I’m angry, upset, hurt.’

I put very strict restrictions around his love and my love for him. I couldn’t let go, I had to control.

There is no room for control in love.

We must allow our beloved to be who they are, do what they want, love us how they love.

They can disagree, they are allowed to disappoint, and so are we.

Our loved one is not an extension of us. They are a person, entire on their own, with a past, dreams, hopes and fears of their own. Embrace their otherness. We should strive to learn, understand and empathize as much as we can with them – but not change, modify, or even “improve” them.

Love demands that we give the other person freedom to choose us in return, not out of obligation or fear, but love.

This doesn’t mean a free pass for them to do something immoral, unhealthy or intentionally hurtful. It does not mean they can walk all over us, always get their way or act in a way that negatively affects the relationship.

What it does mean is that we should trust. We should let go, we can allow them to be and love them for that.

Control is unnecessary, and imaginary anyway. You don’t actually have the control you might think you have.

Don’t do what I did and set conditions around their love and yours. They can do that thing that bothers/frustrates/disappoints/scares you and love you.

A secure attachment is just that, secure. It’s not secure if or when this does or doesn’t happen. It just is secure.

Love trusts, love believes, love hopes.

Their love is not limited to your subjective interpretation of what their actions mean.

If something they do legitimately upsets you, think about the reason behind your hurt feelings. Why are you hurt by it? Explore the feeling with open curiosity. Don’t feel guilty for feeling what you feel, but don’t be afraid to question it either.

Often our hurt has much more to do with something inside of us than the act that caused it.

Granted, sometimes we will hurt and it will be justified. It is important to note these times and discuss them.

However, sometimes we get upset because we’re scared; and sometimes our fear bosses us around too much.

He wants to go out with the guys? Yes, great, go for it. He wants to join a sports team? Go team. He wants to buy a boat? Fun! He dreams of traveling the world? Me too!

Sometimes even the seemingly most inconsequential things like those I listed above can terrify us. What if he meets some cute girl while he’s out? Why doesn’t he want to spend that time with me? Will we be able to travel together? Is he going to sail away forever?

Goodness I remember these fears. They tortured me as I tried to love a good man but felt the insecurities building a wall between us. I wish, I wish I had done a better job of handling these demons. Instead of dismissing them I tried to control everything else – namely him. If he did exactly what I wanted/needed, I would know the fears were untrue. What actually would happen is that then another fear, suspicion, uncertainty would creep up – my thirst for security, certainty and reasons to trust could not be quenched.

Now I know that confidence truly is key, not control. Confidence is simply relaxing. Feeling the fears without acting on them. Choosing to trust over and over and over.

Don’t let fear have the last word. I did and ended up hurting myself more out of fear of getting hurt than anything else – not to mention the man I loved.

It’s so hard. It really was one of the most difficult things, to ignore what the voices in my head were screaming at me, what my emotions were overwhelming me with. You think that because a thought is in your head or because you feel a certain way that the thought you’re thinking or the emotion you’re feeling is objective truth, but that is not the case. I failed too often to love and chose to obey fear instead.

I tried to control
Boy did I try.
But I won’t try now, not anymore.
Love doesn’t control, it just loves.

Keep your affections in boxes, keep your heart free, that’s what they told you those sly foxes but that don’t faze me.
AB

 

xo

Miranda

 

I’m not ready for marriage, but I’m doing it anyway – a man’s perspective.

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Last week I proposed to my girlfriend and, amazingly enough, she said yes. If you knew me, you would know that is nothing short of a miracle.

As I began to share the news with family and friends, a trend developed among my male cohorts. Their response took some form or another of the sentence, “Wow, dude, that’s a huge step, I didn’t know you were ready for that.”

My response was: “Well, I’m not ready, but that’s not really the point.”

They weren’t expecting that answer.

My friends were expecting something like what we hear in movies or from guys who are unwilling to be vulnerable with one another: “Yeah man, trust me, when you meet the one, then you’ll just know!” As if you know your love is real when you experience this magic voodoo feeling of clarity that will just overwhelm you when you meet the right person.

But if I were to say something like that, I’d be lying. And I usually try not to lie.

This outlook which is expected from us is in fact the soul crushing myth perpetuated by those who claim that love is nothing more than a feeling.

So why do my fellow men ask that question? Why have I asked that question of others in the past? Because for most guys, this phantom thing we call being “ready” is our bulletproof excuse to delay doing the best thing in exchange for the easy thing.

Just look at the three hallmarks of how the current culture does romantic relationships and it’s easy to see how good men have gotten at delaying commitment.

  1. Safe Sex: The reasoning goes something like this, “Well, we need to know if we are sexually compatible right? It’s a huge part of a relationship! But we aren’t ready for kids. Instead, we use contraception which allows us to have safe sex and know if we are compatible. Win win!
  2. Live together before marriage: “How else are we supposed to know that our relationship can work before making a lifelong commitment? We have to be sure, and living together is practical. It makes sense. It’s safe.”
  3. We should get a dog before we get a kid: “We don’t know if we want to have kids yet. We want to travel and just do us for a while. We’ll just get a dog and see how that goes. After all, with divorce rates being so high, we should practice being parents together before bringing kids into the world. It’s the safe thing to do.”

All of this is nonsense. Safe sex is a myth. People who live together before getting married actually have higher rates of divorce than those who don’t. And having a pet is NOTHING like having a child of your own.

If the wise people in my life, the ones who have been married for 25+ years, have taught me anything, it’s that you can never be ready for something as big and beautiful and incredible as a lifelong commitment to another person. Being ready isn’t the point. Freely and willingly choosing to give your significant other everything you’ve got, for as long as you’ve got it, is.

The real tragedy is that when men delay doing the best thing in exchange for the safe thing, we deny ourselves the ability to thrive. When a man defends, protects, uplifts, glorifies, loves, and serves a woman, yes he gives up his independence, but in return his life is elevated to an entirely new level. He goes from coasting to thriving. From passive to passionate. From selfish to courageous. From a good man to the man of your dreams. And that’s not by some uncontrollable fairy magic, that’s the power of love as choice.

Unfortunately, what women have failed to realize is that they are complicit in this. Women set the standard for the relationship. Not men. And most women let men off the hook. Ladies, if you really loved him you would challenge him to be more than a safe bet. You would challenge him to reclaim the power of choice. And you would challenge him to love you the way Jesus loved the world in his time on earth.

In the hours before he was arrested, Jesus said something to his disciples that really knocks me out. He asks God, if possible, to spare him of the immense impending suffering. He essentially says, “I don’t want to do this. It would be much easier for me to open the gates of heaven without having to suffer so please don’t make me do it.”

Now, I am no scripture scholar. Nothing even close. But, what I read here is that Jesus identifies the complex surge of emotion humanity experiences when we are faced with the hard choices. It’s this feeling that, we know we are meant for something and we know we desire it deeply, but we don’t want to do it because our fears are yelling things at us like, “what if it’s really hard?” or “what if I fail?” or “what if I am not good enough?” or “what if it doesn’t work out!”

Jesus knew his mission in life was to destroy the power of death and save the world. And he had a truly deep desire to do it. But he also had a moment of gut wrenching hesitation before doing what was required to accomplish his mission. However, contrary to what our culture might say, the solution wasn’t for Jesus to feel better or find some safe way out. The solution for Jesus was to stare directly into the eye of his fears and choose the better path anyway.

The same goes for all of us. Especially men in relationships.

The honest truth is, I am not ready for marriage. Marriage scares the crap out of me!  

I’m afraid of committing my entire life to one person. Terrified of accepting this incredible person’s love knowing that there is a really good chance that I will do something massively stupid that will hurt her. And, of course, scared of exchanging my independence for a life devoted to someone other than myself.

That kind of fear doesn’t get vanquished by some magic clarity that comes with “the one”. It’s still there and it will remain there even after I say “I do.” But that’s ok. It’s natural.

I didn’t propose because I was ready. I proposed because deep down in my soul I know God created me for marriage. I proposed because my future wife is an incredible woman and the life partner I don’t deserve but got anyway. I proposed because I love her more than I love myself. I proposed because she challenges me every day to become the man God created me to be. And I proposed because I want nothing more in life than her eternal happiness.

And that, my friends, is the point.

By Jack Beers

Marriage is an adventure – like going to war.
GK Chesterton

The comeback kid

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My mom loves to remind me of the day I learned to ride a bike. There was a big hula balloo because the Rodriguez siblings had gotten new bikes! Oh, happy day! My new bike was sans training wheels which only added to my excitement.

Unfortunately, as six-year-old Miranda soon realized, learning to ride a bike is like…learning to ride a bike; it’s difficult at first. So, long after the initial eagerness had faded and my brother and sister had gone inside, I could be found in the driveway, angry and frustrated but resolutely determined to figure the darn thing out, now.

I fell over and over, tears brimming in my eyes, my hands and knees stinging from scraping the pavement – yet I kept getting back on.

You can probably guess how this story ends…fifteen years later I still don’t know how to ride a bike.

Jk Jk

Of course, the reason my mom loves that story is because my “determination” – aka stubbornness – came to my aid, I didn’t give up.

Those of you who have been following my blog to some extent can guess that it has been a tough year for me – even more difficult than learning to ride a bike with only two wheels (if you can imagine).

This past year I fell in love with a man that surpassed my (very high) expectations. It was wonderful – like a chapter out of someone else’s life. We had so many lovely, sweet, fun, beautiful times it often felt surreal to me.

Obviously that wasn’t the difficult part. The difficult part was all the fear that accompanied this relationship. It was absolutely impossible to understand why I had such a difficult time trusting someone so good – someone who clearly cared about me. It was incredibly painful to constantly question him and his love. It was torture to be bombarded by doubts and insecurities about the relationship every day. Together or apart, no matter what he said or what I told myself or what others shared, fear plagued me as I struggled to love and trust someone and be loved by them for the first time in my adult life.

The joy of finding someone that until that point I had only dreamed of was tainted by my deeply rooted fears – fears that came true when Nicholas finally bowed out in February.

“I told you.”

That awful voice in my head which so often had urged me to make a run for it rang in my ears months after the fact.

It was right.

This year was also dramatically humbling. Amidst my turmoil and angst I came to the startling conclusion that I am one of the least qualified people to speak on the topics of love, relationships or familyThe fact that this has been my main source of content is almost laughable.

Almost.

Who am I to speak on the subject of love? When I fail so often to practice the thing in my own life. I am still the obstinate girl who falls over and over again – broken and bruised – only now the fall is emotional, spiritual and psychological, in addition to physical.

I barely understand what love is really meant to be – if anything I know better what it is not meant to be.

I guess that’s something.

The thing is – much like myself all those years ago – I have a streak of stubbornness that refuses to give up.

This became especially clear to me on this break, my mini sabbatical from publishing. It was a lovely and painful time. I did some travel (nowhere exotic but still fun), lots of bike riding/exploring, took lots of pictures, caught up on some reading and spent a good bit of time just reflecting. Even though I enjoyed all of this, it was difficult to face the reality of losing someone I had cared about so deeply. A reality not made any easier by our regular crossing of paths. Every day I had to accept all over again my loss and look ahead at the murky future with only wisps of hope to hang on to. 

On a particularly difficult day during this time I grappled with the tough question of why the heck am I doing this?

What’s the point? Loving only leads to bitter disappointment. People are too imperfect, too broken and too difficult to love (most especially myself). Why bother? I could be content doing my own thing; traveling, writing, enjoying casual friendships and relationships without commitment or difficulty. 

I had my chance and I blew it, who’s to say there will be another one?

Yet here I am.

I guess the reason for that is the reality that everyone else at some point in their life has also been faced with this question. If you haven’t yet, you will be. And the people I most look up to, I’m most inspired by and desire to be like, they chose to love. Not because it was easy, not because they didn’t get hurt, not because it always felt wonderful or rewarding, but (I think) ultimately because at the core of their being, they felt it was worth it. It was a calling too beautiful, too precious, too valuable to turn down.

Love makes us better people, it challenges us to grow and change in the most beautiful of ways. It heals and gives us strength to move forward, day in and day out.

Love is why we are here and what makes this treacherous, incredible, awesome life worth living. It’s an adventure in and of itself; the most fulfilling and challenging one. 

There is still a part of me – the wounded, guarded, angry part that taunted me after Nicholas and I broke up – that doesn’t believe a word of this. But I’m hoping to prove this side of me wrong in time.

I’ve fallen down, and I will continue to do so. But I won’t give up. I’m back and I’m in it for the long haul.

Here’s to the kid who got back on the bike one too many times, and to everyone who has dared to choose love – even when it hurts. 


On another note, there are two, more practical things I’d like to share with you.

  1. I’m changing the setup of this site just a little so that it can become more of a community and less of me ‘talking’ at you. To help me make it more collaborative, Some incredibly talented people agreed to write for you here and I couldn’t be more excited about it. Keep an eye out for some contributor articles coming soon.
  2. As of last week I have agreed to take a position as content lead at Dynamic Catholic. I will be moving to Cincinnati, Ohio this summer!

I want to sincerely thank all of you who have prayed for me and encouraged me during these past few months – it has done more than you can know.

And of course, to my readers..this wouldn’t mean much without you.

xo

Miranda Kate

“For what is life without love?”
Pedro Silva

Love is/Love does

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“If my inward coldness has burned you some way, please know, please know I’m sorry.”

Alanna Boudreau


Love is difficult
Love is beautiful
Love is sacrificial
Love is tender
Love is heroic
Love is forgiving
Love is painful
Love is miraculous
Love is sweet

Love is thoughtful
Love is vulnerable
Love is delightful
Love is meek
Love is intentional
Love is steadfast
Love is humble
Love is strong
Love is attentive
Love is grateful
Love is fruitful
Love is powerful
Love is obedient
Love is merciful
Love is receptive
Love is mysterious
Love is docile
Love is fierce
Love is gentle
Love is courageous
Love is free
Love is a choice.

Love commits
Love heals
Love gives
Love grows
Loves cherishes

Love submits
Love perseveres
Love protects
Love reveals
Love admires
Love accepts
Love dotes
Love affirms
Love corrects
Love assures
Love endures

Love consoles
Love laughs
Love moves
Love fights
Love trusts
Love resists
Love mourns
Love misses
Love understands
Love respects

Love disciplines
Love listens
Love stays
Love unites
Love transforms
Love prevails
Love never gives up.


As someone who tries to love and fails quite often and in the most clumsy of ways, sometimes it helps me to think about what love really means.

This list isn’t comprehensive, I’m sure you can think of more items to add (help a sister out and share a few!). But it’s a start. The important thing is to never, ever, ever give up. If we keep trying, we will eventually, haphazardly, brokenly achieve something that looks like that ⇑.

Just don’t try to do it alone, that was my mistake. Rely on Grace, it’s the only way…I promise.

Who’s the greatest Lover? You said You are I Am.

Alanna Boudreau

#alltheAlannaquotes #fangirl

Most importantly, please, please remember that you were made to love and be loved.

xo

Miranda