Oh how I wish this post was about the movie with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaugh and not my own life right now.
The downside about blogging about your life is that you can’t just post about the fun/happy/photogenic moments (I mean I guess you could but it wouldn’t be very honest).
My worst nightmare became reality a few weeks ago when Nicholas and I sat down to have what became our final conversation as boyfriend and girlfriend.
And no, it did not end in engagement.
I’m a sensitive person (to put it mildly). I don’t date a lot and when I like someone, I really like them.
The hardest part right now is that I couldn’t really tell you why it didn’t work. I could give you a few reasons that may have contributed, but not really a good enough reason that would cause us to part ways. Unfortunately the reality is that -for whatever reason- it wasn’t working.
I could say that maybe one of us wasn’t trying hard enough, but I think we both tried as much as we could.
In any case I think in general we don’t understand a lot of things until much later.
The weekend following the breakup was brutal. It’s kind of funny because immediately after both of my breakups I’ve had some sort of youth group event. This time it was a weekend retreat with a group of eighth graders and as much as I desperately wanted to contact the leader and tell him I couldn’t make it, I reluctantly went.
In retrospect it was truly a blessing in disguise. Assisting lead a retreat for forty thirteen-year-olds forced me out of my head and shifted my focus. It also helped that the retreat center itself was one of the most beautiful and peaceful places in SC. Not only that, but one of my best friends and my brother both came as well, a huge game changer. Even though I had some pretty tough moments, I pulled through and I think the worst is over.
There is no point in trying to pretend that I’m okay, over it or have moved on. I’m not and I haven’t. It’s heartbreaking, confusing, frustrating and just plain sucks. I wish I could skip this part and go to when I start being okay again. I wish I couldn’t remember all the good times, or that I didn’t have to run into him around town. It hurts a lot and there is just no way around it. Unfortunately the only way through is through and there are thankfully some things that have helped me in this painful, painful time.
Honestly I am one of the most blessed girls in the world. My friends and family are so true and so good to me. Everyone who knew what was going on has reached out to me, prayed for me and offered to talk or hang out if I wanted to. They’ve also followed up with me days after the fact and given me their consolation. I will tell you right now that friendships -close ones- are invaluable. People to celebrate the good and commiserate the bad with are an absolute necessity in your life. If you haven’t reached out to a good friend in a while or maybe you just moved to a new area, make the effort, reach out, do it. Life means very little without people on your team to share it with.
It’s amazing how much a shower, a face mask, a new conditioner, getting your nails done, A GOOD NIGHT’S SLEEP, even cleaning your car will do for you. Seriously. I know that in rom-coms the girls going through breakups look like they haven’t showered in days but letting yourself go only makes it worse. Pick yourself up, be kind to yourself and show yourself some TLC (this is a good rule of thumb for any time of life, but especially difficult ones).
Social media fast
One of the first things that I did after the breakup (after crying, obviously) was delete the Instagram and Facebook apps off my phone. I knew the temptation to look for him on there, post something angry or dramatic or just scroll through old pictures of us would be overwhelming. Just give yourself a break. You can live a week or two without knowing what your friend from college that you haven’t talked to in five years is up to. You don’t need to see the engagement photos, the baby pics, the #mancrushmonday posts…you really don’t. That doesn’t mean you’re not happy for everyone else or that you’re somehow bitter, it just means that you need to experience what is going on without also comparing it to the highlight reel of everyone else you know.
The absolute worst thing you can do if you’re going through a hard time is despair. In breakups it’s easy: ‘no one will ever love me,’ ‘is there a guy out there for me’ ‘I’m not good enough’… these thoughts will consume you and take you down a deep, dark hole if you let them. Don’t. This isn’t it, there is more to come. No, it doesn’t make sense, no it’s not easy, but holding on to hope amidst the absolute most painful times is what will get you through it. Look at all the people that went through breakups and survived. Not only that, but the vast majority people who are happily married now experienced heartbreak at some point before. I haven’t given up on love, or men, or dating.
As difficult as it is, I trust that there is a bigger, better plan in place. I don’t know what it is right now and I don’t understand but that’s okay. Part of our creaturely-ness is that we’re not always in control of everything the way we’d like to be. We were created, we did not will our way into existence. Things will happen to us, good and bad, that we cannot control. We only have power over how we react. I do believe that we were made to love and be loved and that as long as we remember and are open to it, we will experience it. Keep hoping, keep trusting, keep fighting the good fight.
Courage, dear friends.
“We were legends
Loving you baby, it was heaven.
What everyone wondered we never questioned
Closed our eyes and took on the world together, do you remember?”