How different things are now.
To be independent – at least to the extent a human can be. I’m no longer looking to someone else, for money, security – of any kind…
I used to be unable to stand a second alone, now I find myself craving time away from others.
My anxious thoughts are still there; they continue to harass me, yet I’m able to dismiss them more easily.
I feel a deeper sense of ‘peace’, even in the midst of uncertainty and disruptions. I have become more and more convinced of the importance of a deep interior life. We’re so focused on the material and give little thought to our inner selves. This week as I went to the gym and regretfully acknowledged some weight gain, I wondered what would happen if we gave the same attention we do our physical lives to our spiritual lives.
There are so, so many ‘things’ – classes, exercises, techniques, books, machines – dedicated to this passing flesh and bones. Yet finding ten minutes for me to sit in silence and restore my soul feels like nothing short of herculean. It’s all integrated – what affects one aspect necessarily affects another – and so to give less importance to or completely dismiss a part of our person is to deny our most ‘whole’ self.
I want to be healthy – in every sense of the word. And I want to always give my interior life at least the equal amount of care as I do my physical one.
Something to work on, I guess.
I’ve become more and more enchanted with the ‘days of old’. The style, the manner of being (polite), the interactions between men and women, and between family members, the traditions and simplicity. I’m idealizing it all of course (it’s what I do), but I want to recreate some of that in my life.
I’m trying to text less, as well as take a step back from social media (I deleted my dearly beloved Instagram app for the time being). It has been – in a word – freeing. To live my life without regards to how it looks or how I can make it seem better…I want to accept my life as it is, not only as what I want others to think of it.
I have no idea. For the first time in a long while, this week I was overwhelmed with the familiar sense of loneliness. More than that even, it’s the fear, a question I rarely care to dwell on; most of the time it sits nice and quiet beneath the noise I create to distract myself.
Can I love? Can I be loved?
Looking back there are so many times I failed entirely to love in my previous relationship. I wonder if I’ll be given another chance, and if I’ll be able to stop myself from falling into old habits. Most of that relationship – the difficulty, its acrimonious ending – points to a resounding ‘no.’
Maybe it’s me idealizing again, but it seems hard to believe there’s someone out there who is ‘better’.
I feel like I missed my shot.
And often I feel like I don’t even want another chance. I’m okay, I’m comfortable, I’m skeptical.
And then part of me yearns to know someone the way only marriage allows. To belong to someone entirely and live a life of continuous surrender to each other.
It’s just hard to imagine, at this point.
Whether or not it will ever happen isn’t up to me. Learning to embrace this, to trust where I am and hope for where I’m headed…it is very difficult indeed.
But to me it’s a lot easier than the alternative; to despair, give up and resent. There are good things in my life right now. I am truly grateful for the friends I have, the place I live and the work I get to do. I’m grateful for quiet mornings and good books and blankets. I’m grateful for brunch with friends, beer, pretty things and beautiful music. I’m grateful for family and the time I have with them. I’m grateful for the person I have become – with very little credit to myself – and the countless opportunities for continued growth. I’m grateful for the seasons, especially this one, and all the cheer ahead.
I am grateful.