Confessions of a hypersensitive personality

Stupid stupid stupid.

That’s how I feel whenever I catch myself hurt over something/someone…again.

I’m not quite sure how it happens, but somehow my heart slips out when I’m not looking and latches itself onto things/people that cause me anxiety and pain.

Like a mischievous pet, it doesn’t obey my stern command to ‘not care’ and then wanders off without my consent.

The smallest incidents at work, with friends, with strangers, with boys…they affect me so much, more than I care to admit, more than I want to allow.

In anger and frustration I cry out, “STOP CARING.”

Yet my heart sits there, painful and unyielding, still hurting, still beating.

Stupid stupid stupid.

Don’t you know, silly thing? Don’t you know how this will end? Don’t you know what lies ahead? Have we not been through this countless times? You don’t listen, you don’t heed my warnings, you don’t learn.

How is it that after years of cuts and bruises you remain so reckless? How is that you’re still here, causing me so much trouble after so long? What do I have to do to make you see, make you understand, make you stop?

I want you to stop.

Stop caring:

About being liked

Her approval

His attention

Their intention

Being recognized

Being appreciated

Fitting in

Standing out

Pleasing them

Looking good

That comment

Their opinion

Just stop.

I just want things to not affect me so darn much. Is that too much to ask? Every interaction, the most miniscule gesture, innocent words…cut through me like a dull and clumsy knife.

Against my will, without my consent, my heart clings to any and every thing despite my continuous insistence that it be indifferent.

Stupid stupid stupid.

I have begged a thousand times for relief – or at least an explanation, a reason this burden was placed in my weak chest.

Don’t you know how frail I am? Don’t you realize how much it hurts? Does it not matter what I want?

Indignation wells up inside me. Anger boils to the surface.

Fine.

Have it your way.

‘It’s a gift,’ they say, to feel so deeply. Never has something been less welcome.

But I’m stuck with it.

I fight; I wrestle; I run; anything to escape this feeling, beating thing: but it is relentless; it is a part of me.

Why is it here? What is it for?

‘To love.’ But don’t they know? Don’t they see how hard it is? How painful?

“My vocation is Love”

Can I do it? Will I accept it?

I just wish I didn’t feel everything so much.

Monday 5: New Year’s Edition

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Happy 2018! Can you believe it?? 2017 flew by, especially the last few months. I hope you had a wonderful holiday season with friends and family! My siblings and I spent a quiet Christmas with our dad in North Carolina. For New Years we were back in Charleston and my mom suggested going to a party at a new hotel downtown called the Dewberry. My aunt Carrie (shout out to Neatsmart) came to visit which made it even better! It was a fun evening full of (somewhat reluctant) dancing, people watching and very expensive drinks.

The first week back to work ended up being one day since Charleston got hit by a ‘snowpocalypse’ (which for us is about four inches). It was such a lovely gift to have unexpected time off to just chill with my family. I read, wrote in my bullet journal (more on that to come) and walked around the snowy streets. I’m typically not a fan of sitting around for extended periods of time but those two days were wonderful.

Nicholas got stuck at the hospital for two days which was kind of unfortunate but he got a long weekend out of it so that helped ease the annoyance of having to sleep at the hospital! We had a lot of fun walking around some neighborhoods in the snow and taking pics. We went on a double date Friday night with our friends Lucia and Kevin and then they came over to play cards for a little bit. Saturday we went to a bar in West Ashley to meet up with some people and watch the James Madison football game and then later made a yummy dinner for my fam! Nicholas made a whipped feta dip with honey that was delicious.

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That evening we had some people over to celebrate the feast of the Epiphany (when the three Magi visited baby Jesus). We made Lamb’s Wool, a drink traditionally made on that day and everyone shared a moment in nature that they were particularly impacted by God. It was a fun night.

Sunday we went to Mass at the Cathedral and then to brunch after (like the stereotypical millennials we are). Later we explored Daniel Island some which had some incredible houses; and then ended the weekend with watching a couple episodes of This is Us (such a good show!).

It’s been a beautiful start to the new year, I love new beginnings! To start your week (and year) off on the right foot, here are some things I’m excited about that you might enjoy too.

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Bullet journal

One of the highlights of the time at my dad’s house was getting to catch up with one of my best friends Maria. She was the one who recommended I start a bullet journal. A bullet journal is like an agenda that you make yourself. The idea is that you can completely customize it to your needs while simultaneously being a creative outlet. You can get an empty notebooks with the little dots (mine is Moleskine) and those become your guide to mapping everything out. In addition to having a monthly calendar, a weekly and daily view, you can also have sections such as books you want to read, parties you want to host, goals you want to accomplish, people you want to pray for or reach out to and have them each marked with tabs. It is time consuming but so fun. And creative and mindful. I am not an artsy person but there are so many cute ideas out there on Instagram and Pinterest that you really don’t have to be! I’m also hoping this might improve my art skills a little. Agendas can get really pricey and I tend to think it’s worth it if you use it and enjoy it a lot, but this is a fun, cheap alternative that can stretch us a little and make it more suitable to what we need! Love love love.

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Early mornings.

I love mornings. But I also love sleep. Waking up is often a struggle between my strong desire to sleep and my motivation to get up and get going. One of my resolutions this year is to read more. There are so many good book out there and I’m tired of adding to my reading list without making any progress! So, I’ve decided to harness my love of mornings and books and combine them with a little morning reading. I usually am guilty of getting up as late as I can and then rushing to get ready before sprinting out the door. This morning I was able to sip my coffee, read a few pages and take some time to just sit before getting dressed and heading out. It was so nice. It does require getting to bed a little earlier but I think it is so worth it. Starting your day calmly and intentionally is so much better than running around! How do you start your day? Any tips for making sure you get up when the alarm goes off?

Drinking with the Saints

I got Nicholas this book for his birthday and now I feel like I unconsciously got it as a gift for myself. I love it so much! I am a huge fan of celebrating things and this book is a great tool for that. Each month has the various feast days with some background information and a drink that is relevant. I am no bartender but I ‘m excited to explore it a little more and hopefully save money in the long run by not going out as much! It also makes it so easy to invite a few people over and celebrate a feast day with other people; I think this is awesome for keeping the liturgical year at the front of mind and sharing it with others.

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Affirmations

I can be pretty sarcastic. My family loves to poke fun at each other and tease a lot. While I love this dynamic, I’ve come to learnt the value of giving sincere compliments. Relationship and marriage psychologist John Gottman explains that each negative interaction is worth the same as five positive ones. Really what he’s saying is that we tend to focus more on the bad than the good, which makes sense from a biological standpoint since bad things are threats to our survival and therefore should be dealt with. For that reason, it is really important to pepper in those affirming and loving moments as often as we can. That way, when something negative inevitably occurs, it is just a drop in the bucket compared to all the positive interactions that have taken place prior. Both with my family and with Nicholas, I’m trying to make an effort of pointing out their strengths, their achievements and just reminding them how much I love them. We think that good relationships just happen, but the reality is that they require thought and work!

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Walks

We got out to go on long walks over the past few days and I really enjoyed it. Something I miss about college is just how you typically walk everywhere. I think taking time to get outside and move is so important and beneficial. It is especially helpful if we do it with friends or loved ones because it forces us to chat in an intentional way. There are so many things that distract us at home (phones, TV, chores etc) and walking helps keep us focused on only what is around us. I think this is a great way of building emotional intimacy while also staying active and healthy. I’m hoping to get out and walk some more this week.

What are you excited about this week?

xo

Miranda

11 things I would tell my younger self

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I still know most of the words from Taylor Swift’s ‘Fifteen’ by heart; seven years after I turned 15 and listened to it on the bus heading to school my sophomore year. There’s something really powerful about looking back on life and being able to share a thing or two that you’ve learned with people coming after you.

In her tune, T-Sizzle tells us that when you’re fifteen you might get your heart broken, or you might not like a lot of your peers…which are fair points. I always wished I had an older sister, someone to give me advice about boys and if you can wear white after Labor Day (which I’m still not sure about..). Unfortunately I didn’t have that privilege, but I was lucky enough to learn from other women who have come into my life and who have been kind enough to share some wisdom both through words and example.

Whether you have a big sis or not, these are some things I would tell my younger self…and often remind myself of today. They may or may not be helpful, but hopefully they will at least get you thinking of the many (many) things you’ve learned since you were fifteen.

Find things you love

Whether it’s something athletic (for those of you who are coordinated), or something domestic, or something technological (Netflix doesn’t count) or something else, having things you love to do and doing them is an essential part of who you are. For me, baking, crafting (poorly, but still) and especially recently, swimming are things that I really enjoy and do my best to make time for them. These things are integral to our person and are great and easy ways to de-stress and bring joy into our lives.

Sensitivity is not a weakness

Sometimes us girls (and maybe some guys too) can get flack for being emotional or ‘sensitive…’ even from other girls. As the epitome of a ‘Sensitive Sally,’ I can attest to the frustration that comes from being labeled that way and perceiving that as a disadvantage. I’ll be the first to admit that I am sensitive; but as frustrating as it can be, I don’t think that’s a bad thing. Vulnerability and sensitivity are beautiful and necessary things this world desperately needs. Empathy, compassion, sympathy, acts of kindness…these are often brought about by sensitivity to what is going on around us. If we bluntly go through life trying to be the tough guy, we miss out on a lot of opportunities to love and grow.

Your desires are important

We may dismiss what we want as daydreams and try to focus on what is ‘realistic’; but there are few things as real as our authentic desires. Whether it’s in relation to career, state of life or just a goal, our desires exist for a reason…to be fulfilled. Obviously this doesn’t apply to trivial things like the desire for more ice cream (although that’d be nice too), but the real, important dreams like managing your own company or starting a family. Those desires didn’t come from nowhere, and they certainly aren’t there to be ignored.

Goodness is attractive

I’m not saying green eyes aren’t dreamy…but they aren’t the most important thing to look for. Undeniably, striving to be a good person trumps all other qualities we might think matter. This means we not only look for goodness in others, but others look for goodness in us too; and we can’t expect something from others we ourselves don’t have or at least strive for.

Appreciate the good things, like really

It can be easy to take the good things in life for granted. The people we love, our work, time off…we often don’t express the gratitude we should have. Being grateful is possibly one of the best remedies for any sort of sadness or frustration we may be experiencing.

Relationships don’t solve your problems

As Romeo and Juliet so vividly demonstrated, relationships don’t always fix our struggles. In fact, relationships often have the opposite effect where our problems surface. Insecurities we’ve had, fears we’ve suppressed, bad habits we’ve developed…they all come up in the process of growing close to someone. It can be highly unpleasant…but also incredibly important for our personal growth.

People have different body types

For years I wanted Julie Bowen’s figure (she’s like 5’10 and weighs 120 lbs). It took a lot of discussion and reflection to come to the realization that no matter how hard I tried, I would never look like that; I’m just not built that way. Being healthy is essential; part of that is understanding that people have different genetics which affect our body types…the sooner you embrace yours the better off you’ll be.

Boys are kind of dumb

I mean this way in the most endearing way possible. Men have so many strengths and wonderful qualities…but often they aren’t relational. Especially when they’re younger (and maybe a little immature), they can be oblivious when it comes to girls. If we understand this, we can give them the benefit of the doubt when it feels like they’re doing something to hurt us. Sometimes they really are just clueless. This doesn’t excuse being treated poorly, but it does allow us to help the good guys out and forgive the occasional relationship misstep.

Community is a must have…even if you’re an introvert

This is definitely one I wished I had learned earlier. We need people, we need friends and we need meaningful relationships. Becoming close to people in high school, college and after is vital to our well being. If you’re like me and don’t love meeting new people, I know this can be challenging. But the initial discomfort is well worth it when later on you have the love and support from the people you’ve invested in.

Thrift shopping is fun and practical

For a while I turned my nose up at secondhand shops. Today, most of my clothes come from Goodwill or other thrift stores. I enjoy so much the hunt for a quality buy and appreciate it so much more because of the effort I put into the search (as opposed to $$$). It’s a fun thing to do with friends and a lot more practical financially. Every now and then a full priced, new item isn’t a bad thing; but taking advantage of secondhand buys is really fun and smart.

Have faith.

Despite the suffering, hurt, bad days, frustrations, challenges…good is still real. Living a virtuous (patient, humble, loving, hopeful, joyful, prudent) life is possible and the best way to find happiness. Having faith in these things is not only helpful; it’s also the most appropriate response because the good is so tangible.

Don’t let the muggles get you down.

xo

Miranda